i literally can not believe your appearance is more important you you than having me in your life is. why am i so fixated on you. three years of being treated this way and i still haven’t figured out how to walk away. it seems so easy until the realisation that you’re out of my hands kicks in and i collapse. i want you to be mine and no one else’s. that’s the problem, i don’t want you to be with anyone else, touch anyone else. even if you’re not with me, i can deal with that, but i can’t deal with the thought of you kissing someone else because that makes me crazy mad and i hate it. i hate worrying and being scared all the time. i hate that jealous feeling, it’s uneasy and sickening and horrible. i want to move on but i won’t let myself, this inner conflict is killing me. you really don’t deserve me, you’ve stopped trying and i know it, but it’s always been you and me and i don’t know how to change it. it’s worse than ever this time. fuck.
my name is Cassidy, i’m 18 and unwillingly live in western australia
here is a list of things i like
- bring me the horizon
- paramore
- megan fox
- coffee
- the simpsons
- sloths
- of mice and men
- blink 182
- sleeping with sirens
- pierce the veil
- daughter
- tattoos/tattooists
- makeup
- dogs
- all time low
- urban legends
- adventure time & regular show
- you me at six
- geordie shore
- pokemon
- skins
- the discovery channel
- the sun on cold days
it’s weird because after everything that’s happened, after how many times my “friends” have told me Jack is such a dick and an asshole and a horrible person, he is literally the only person who has stuck with me. yeah, sometimes he left, but he always came back. always. i can’t say the same for any of my other friends. apart from Jaye who lives on the other side of the fucking country and still manages to talk to me and be there for me whenever i need her, everyone else has moved on to better things, gotten new friends and i’m sick of making an effort for people who don’t even acknowledge the fact that i exist. like seriously is it so fucking hard to give me a little recognition and reply to my messages.
I appreciated them more than i should have appreciated the boy i love and that’s what caused a lot of the problems we had. so yeah, fuck you guys.
what the fuck am i doing with my life
all my friends are either studying at tafe or uni or working or repeating year 12 or moved away and i’m still here doing nothing and going nowhere
why can’t i get anywhere, why has that window opened for everyone else except me. i want to move away too, i wanna study and live in my own house and make new friends and go out and have a social life and live closer to Jack, i wanna be happy with my new life like all my other friends are. i’m trying so hard but i’m fucking stuck.
there’s nothing here, my friends are gone, my life is boring, i don’t know what i’m doing or what i want to be doing, i’m scared and i just don’t know.
can’t i just skip all of this and live happily ever after in a big house with Jack. that’s what i want to do. life is too hard, it’s easy when you’re little and easy when you’re old and settled, the time in between should be the best time of your life when you can explore and travel and try new things and new foods and meet new people and experience life and the world, but we’re all too caught up in trying to make a fucking living for ourselves, being something, having a career, making money. money. if you don’t have money you don’t have anything, and that’s not fair and its not okay.
